Being ignored

Message sent to john Friday 6am

Morning John great spread in paper (at last) hope it all went well yesterday. Can you do me/us a favour and push the dance week to any parents who may have children looking for summer activities and also to any of the kids coming Sunday, 9year olds up ( or enthusiastic hard working 8 year olds) We only have 10'book at mo so need a few more... Only one booked for adults but I know we have more that just haven't booked yet.... I know I didn't leave many flyers but if you can pop to corn ex and get a bunch of their Get Involved brochure its in there. Ta muchly xxx

No reply by end of day so sent a text 8pm 

Still no reply 

So I sent another message sat 8pm 

Feeling somewhat ignored... A quick reply would have been nice.... Unless by some technology break down my messages haven't got to you.... !

And got an immediate reply : 

Yes got and received but incredibly busy day

To which I replied :

Sounds like it was very successful. Nearly over ......

What I wanted to reply was this : 

Dear John

Feeling really sad that our friendship has completely broken down. I'm not even sure if you are aware that it has... I'm not really sure what you think these days. I totally understand that you are consumed by Nocturn but you do need to remember there is a world beyond nocturn and you can't just walk all over your friends and or ignore them because 'your busy'. We are all busy but find time for each other. I have helped you out and on so many occasions so Yes I Do expect a quick response when I send a messages esp. when it's about a joint project... I seriously didn't know if you'd got my messages and if you had why you weren't responding. Being busy is a rubbish reason, how long does it take to text 'yes will do' or alike... 

This is just the tip of the iceberg but the latest incident. We definitely need to talk but I realise this is not the right time but when you have more head space we need to clear the air if we are going to continue to work together. 

Day 4 Week 4 and its a wrap..... 😀

Final day of filming at last ... 

And it's A WRAP......Whoop thank the Lord..... 

The only thing that grumpy could say when I saw him later was 'no it's not over, we've got a busy day tomorrrow' talk about putting a downer on it... Just another nail in his coffin for me... Oh yes and how about 'thank you for driving everybody back and going out of your way, using your petrol and your time  for my benefit.... ' 

Determined that tomorrow isn't going to be a drudge but I'm sure John can turn it into one.... 

Day 3 Week 4 😡😤❄️

Another 'challenging' day in the office.... 

It started off well with a later start for me. I didn't arrive until 11.15 as they were filming 'play' & 'typewriter' neither of which I'm in so I couldn't see the point of arriving at 10am to warm up and then not be used for two hours.... Good call on my part as I wasn't used untill 12.30... 

Lunch at 2 then out to Goring to do 'The Walk'.   I can't help being exasperated at John for making us drive so far from NGA and then making us hike so far to the filming site. It's pretty but not that special, I'm sure we could have found a similar site at Burghclere.... But nobody asked me so hey! 

So the first hour was fine. We did a run from beginning to end and then the pedantic's kicked in and it was all about angles and close ups etc... Which is totally fine as long as you don't spend ages discussing it when we are in flimsy dresses freezing to death waiting for somebody to say Action... 

By 5.30pm my body was at the limits of its endurance to the cold, I was actually quite please when the camera battery died but at the same time 'come on.... We're filming in a wood, what the most important thing to have ? Er, a spare battery......'  We had no choice but to call it a day. It did however mean we'd have to return tomorrow which was not such a favourable forecast but nevertheless I was done for today, there is only so much cold you can take... I so frustrated and annoyed at the lack of acknowledgement of what they are expecting us to do. It's BLOODY freezing, the ground is muddy, slippy and littered with roots, the hedges are spiky and still they expect perfect results. We're doing the best we can, could we have some credit for that? 

Also....... when we do exactly what you tell us to do DONT BLOODY HAVE HISTERICS WHEN IT LOOKS REDICULOUSE...it was your idea, we're just following orders.... And don't make out that's not what you wanted because that's exactly what you told us to do.... Grrrrrrrrrr

My love for John is diminished a little bit more today.... I'm not sure we will ever recover from this and a part of me doesn't want to...... 

Day 2 Week 4. Day 1 of Filming ......

Finally we are at the point we have been working towards over the last 3 weeks.... Day one of filming. 

The film maker Rigaro is great.. He's quite abrupt but clearly has a plan and a vision. He k ow what he wants and articulates it well. Also so refreshing not to be the one who's not up to scratch. In his eyes wer're all equals and AT LAST I feel on par..... Fuck your john for putting me down and making me feel like shit..... 

It's been a long and hard working day but worth it for the great shots he's getting even if I am obsured most of the time by Effie or Harriet. 

On the plus side I don't need to go i till later tomorrow as I'm not in the sections being filmed and I was brave enough to say something... Couldn't bear hanging around for hours doing nothing again...., 

Supposed to be filming outside tomorrow... Wish us luck, it's been quite wet! 

Week3 Day 4 Back in the woods 😁

Day trip to the woods today.... Why we had to go all the way to Goring and hike half an hour to get to a spot I could have found 10 mins away from NGA I don't know but my opinion isn't required anymore so I just stay quiet.... 

Not sure if it's wishful thinking but John did seem more encouraging towards me today.... I actually got a 'good, nice' before he re choreographed it.... I'm actually being very vindictive but that's just the way I'm feeling I'm afraid... 

Today was an ok day and tomorrow is a day off in the sun so feeling relieved. 

4th and final Week - whoop. Day 1

8.30am So I woke up this morning thinking 'I wonder how much I can get wrong today...' So a positive start...

It's photos today, filming Wed, Thurs, Fri. Then figuring out what we do for the VIP event on sat. Then it's over until July... 

8pm A good day... Lovely photographe, Nick, who made you feel good about what he was capturing. Quite an easy day and finished at 5pm A WHOLE HOUR EARLY!!!! John seems happy with the product. Let's bring on the filming.... 

Week 3 Day 3 😰😖

Unfortunately another day in the life of feeling like a crap dance. General notes - don't wobble....

Oh and remember all that material you spent 3hrs recapping on Tuesday and that I never bothered to look at... Its all cut..... Except for a few snippets which you can teach Effie & Harriet because they will be able to make it look much better.... 

Not sure how much more I can take really before I break... 

Hey ho nearly over..... 

Email sent to John.....

D

Deborah Camp

Hi john Just wanted to ask. Do I need to remember any of my other material or do I 

assume it's not needed. Debbie

N

nocturndance

Debbie For Memories we are now all sorted thank you. John Sent from my iPhone

D

Deborah Camp

Books? Jobs? People?

N

nocturndance

Can we keep in our pot for potential use in the live element, thanks. John

D

Deborah Camp

to nocturndance
4 days ago

Details

Ok will do. 

P.s. Sorry I haven't come up to standard, I am doing my best which I am very aware is not good enough yet but I will keep trying...... Feeling quite vulnerable... I'm not wanting to put 'my stuff' onto you but it obviously effects my output which ultimately effects your product... I need to cultivate a more positive outlook but finding that very hard at the moment... 

I'm not expecting you to respond to this but wanted to let you know where I'm at.....  

He didn't respond......

Week 3 day 2 😄

What a difference a day makes. Actually enjoyed today. We have a laugh and still worked hard. John was in a more sociable mood and even joined us for lunch. 

Phew not sure I could have dealt with another sole destroying day. 

Feels like we are in the home stretch now. Only Fri & Sat left this week and next week will be mainly filming. 

Week 3 Day1 😢😕

Feeling quite sad and miserable about the whole thing now... Mine and johns friendships seems to be non-existent. I'm afraid to say anything as I don't want to create an atmosphere. At the moment we are all doing a fairly reasonable job of getting on with it and suppressing what's going on in our heads. I was basically ignored all afternoon which is partly fine as he was working on Effie & Harriet's duet but the occasional 'are you ok' or 'how's it going?' or an acknowledgement that I was getting NO attention  and maybe a thank you for working alone for 3hrs would have gone a long way... He just seems to have forgotten to treat me like a friend and is treating me like foda. I KNOW IM NOT AS GOOD AS EFFIE & HARRIET, I said that in the audition but I am the dancer that I am. 

Week 2 Thursday Day 5 😕

A very dull and joyless day... Harriet wasn't really on form and john was being 'serous john' and I was just trying to do what I was told but seemed to be failing at every turn.... 

We had yet another set pointless tasks. One with hands clasped moving in a ferocious way. 

So in conclusion it been a challenging week. The only day I really enjoyed was doing duet work with Harriet. At last I felt like I was dancing. 

Still feeling like an underling not helped by John saying Debbie if you go behind Effie or behind Harriet or sometimes behind both of them (translation I don't like what you doing so let's hide you) 

Feel that I'm not giving John the movement quality he wants. 

He's not happy the dancers aren't happy and its all very flat.

BUT I am learning a lot and it has reinvigoured me. Although I am tired in the mornings and 7 hours in the studio in less than inviting I am always much better after class and actually feel more awake and alive than usual at the end of the day. My body isn't getting beat up, achy yes but not battered and bruised. I like the single minded nature of it. Get up go to work come home, eat bath bed. My brain is calmer... I guess when I'm not there I can switch off which is different to normal weeks as I'm always changing my head space to the next class. 

Would I do it again..... The dury is still out on this one..... 

Wednesday Day 4 Week 2 😖

Today's pointless I mean complex task.... 

'What do you take to bed with you?'

AM

Different types of Work - not to literal, but recognisable without being too fancy or going into mine..... 

PM 

Different types of People 

Phrase from standing, getting into bed, sleeping, being interrupted, going back to sleep, reaching for phone getting up. 

Finished at 4.30!!

Annoyances - john changing the schedule to suit his own personal needs... 

John being late and then cutting into our class time (only given 40mins) 

Short lunch break and no tea breaks mid morn/afternoon. 

Giving us the plan for the day and then not sticking to it...

Telling me & Effie to on'y be 15 mins or he would come looking fir us!!!!!!!!!!

Week 2 Day 3 - conversations without words 😀

A good day. I finally got to play with Harriet and whilst I was initially worries how this would go I soon got into the flow and it felt like we were working well together and producing interesting results. She is great at partner work, know what she wants and I was happy to appease her and allow her to be top dog esp. as she was happy to do all the hard lifting and I could just look pretty.  A much more satifiying day than yesterday.

Tasks - circular moment with torso and arms passing an object (gaffe tape) between the three of us. 

Add in stops, rewinds, repeats. 

Add in speed variation. 

Add in moments of tension

(The original task of on,y using torso and arms soon went out of the window.... ) 

Harriet and me were asked to make a duet with tension, push & pull. Harriet concentrating on internal body manipulation, me expansive circular movement. It was a difficult start but piece by piece we managed to create a duet. 

Effie was set a solo task and then inevitably the two were spliced together into a trio. 

Day 3 Week 1

Wednesday at NGA 10-6pm

Not such an early start as we are at Greenham today and I have nobody to pick up. Enroute I stopped at Boots to get all manor of foot protection. Strapping, cushioned pads & insoles. Got to NGA in good time to get a cup of tea and to strap up my feet. 

Today's task- horizontal circles with body parts. Followed by spiral, jump, twist, 7 isolations, position travel. 

Message to John... No reply...

Great day in the office today John. I really enjoyed working with Harriet. I hope your pleased about how it's going... We seem to be making progress each day so that's a positive...  Remember if you need an ear to bend mine is available. Xx

And its all done for week 1

Some what of an anti climax tonight... Second nights are always strange but having Nita, Patricia, Pauline, Malcolm &'D@nga all watching me I thought would have been enough to give me the first night adrenaline but no... I was very under whelmed and found my mind wandering mid piece and looking forward to it being over... 

Tired now and happy to be home. 

Referring back to last Sunday's post - 

Just 14 hours to go....Worries 

Will my body hack it? - yes it did. A few more bruises, blisters, aches and pains but nothing too seriouse. The worst part is my big toes and skin off.... So sore... 

Will my brain hack it? Yes... It got there in the end. It operated slightly slower than Effies & Harriet's but then I'm twice their age... 

Will I get on with Hartiet & Effie? Got on with both of them (Effie more than Harriet I think) 

Will they be better than me? Yes they were, but I did catch up. 

Will they bond and leave me out in the cold? They didn't leave me out in the cold but feel a little bit of an outsider. 

Will John drive me mad? At times but nothing major. 

Will I enjoy it? Did I enjoy it ???? Not sure! I learnt a lot and it was a challenge that've eventually rose to. I am happy that I did it.... 

And if not why oh why am I doing it? To challenge myself. To prove to myself I can still do it, I'm still a dancer. To feel worthwhile and 'special' 

Feedback from Carrie : your lines were a pleasure, losing that bit of weight was worth it. Your  long arms and legs shone?  And you were a lovely contrast to the other two. Gave you an angular edge. Hair was great, entrance  anthropomorphic like, I didnt recognise you! I felt safe watching you and your confidence in taking weight. Timing, energy, balance, spring, travelling all as one with your fellow dancers, a professional trio. Only on a turn upstage  was there a huh!?! Moment and one other little balance I think!?!? To re-iterate I felt comfortable watching , bloody incredible extension of your little tootsies? Keep on dancing!

Day Two

10-5pm at South Hill Park Bracknell 

Set off at 8am to go to shop and get lunch, go pick up Harriet & Effie in Thatcam to meet John at Chievely Village at 9am. 

The day didn't start well with John looking at his watch when we were 10 mins late even thou I'd pick up Harriet & Effie 5 mins earlier than planned... It's the bloody Thatcham traffic and rush hour, I soon put him in his place.... 

Slow journey to Bracknell. Got there just about 10am and started warm up 10.20 so not bad... 

I managed to cling on most of the day, falling by the wayside on a few occasions but mainly keeping up with the youngsters... The afternoon proved a challenge as my feet started to cause problems. The familiar pain in the joints which nothing seems to shift. Tried ice spray, ibuprofen gel but to it avail... Hobbled around like an old lady but managed to keep going.... 

Thights and back were screaming at me too and I wasn't exactly the fittest dancer in the room but I think Effie was feeling it too. Her feet were stinging and she eventually had to put on her trainers to continue. 

John is a hard task master and needs to consider our energy levels a bit more I feel. I know we are professional dancers but we are still human beings and counting 5,6,7,8 when you're still gasping for breath from the last run is, I feel, a little uncalled for. At the moment this is definitely the last time I want to do this with younger dancers. I just can't compete, they are younger, sharper, quicker. They always have been but at least now I have an excuse....! 

Day one

Well that was one of the easiest and most pleasant days work I've had in a long time....

Road trip to New Forest, walk in the woods, reflection time to write, pub lunch and homeward bound car choreography which was the weirdest thing ever and once again a surprise from John I didn't see coming... We even finished an hour early! So my first day has not been anything like I imagined. I hadn't even expected to be home yet... And when I did stagger through the door I was hoping for a big glass of wine and a bath. Turns out a nice cup of tea, a sit down and reflection on the day is all I desire. 

I completely failed on the not using technology... I had assumed it was just for rehearsal times but apparently it was supposed to be all day! I thought I was doing my duty this morning by facebooking & tweeting (got told off by the boss....) and here I am again now using my iPad and blogger..... Wore my fit bit all day... Is that technology.... Oh yes I guess it is....

Our first task was to write down things we don't do now that we used to do before new tech. An interesting exploration... No letter writing, less phone calls and real conversation, less use of library and dictionary, less map reading, more distractions, less cuddles in the morning..... to name but a few...

Just 14 hours to go....

Worries 

Will my body hack it? 

Will my brain hack it? 

Will I get in with Hartiet & Effie? Will they be better than me? Will they bond and leave me out in the cold? 

Will John drive me mad? 

Will I enjoy it? And if not why oh why am I doing it? 

Mobile less ....

John has asked us NOT to bring any kind of tech with us to rehearsals on Monday as an experiment in to how this effects us... We have already had dancers worried about security of their phone if they leave them in their accommodation / car so he has conceded that they can have them tucked away in bags which isn't quite the same thing as you know you have the security of them being there if you REALLY need them... 

It is already flagging up things for me. I am planning in my head the issues that may arise. For example if I need to contact Alice re, accommodation for Effie to advising her what time she will be arriving and the fact that we are going to be out and about on Monday... Ideal photo ops esp as john has asked us to post online about our experience but without my phone I won't be able to take any....  

Interesting.... 

Two days and counting ......

Two days until totally immersion.... 10-6pm nocturn dance rehearsals Monday-Friday then two days of performances at South Hill Park on sat & sun.... I will either be elated or dead! 

More than ever before I am really worried as to whether I can hack it anymore... After all I am nearly 47! No spring chicken... Even before we start my back is aching and my feet complaining. 

Wish me luck and determination. I think I, gonna need it....